My (INTP) husband commented last night that he hates NF guilt. "Not NFs," he qualified, "just the guilt." He feels like he knows some really awesome NFs who are afflicted with guilt that makes them less happy than they deserve to be. I'd definitely agree with his assessment - of other NFs.
It made me think this morning a little about the source of the guilt, especially as it relates to my self-perception in my different roles: wife, daughter, pharmacist, etc.
I realized that most people, in evaluating their performance, can average things out. "Today was terrible, but last week I was brilliant, so on average I do okay!"
For me (and I would be interested if other NFs see it this way too,) my self-evaluation is more like one of those big "It Has Been X Days Since The Last Workplace Disaster" signs.
The closer that number gets to infinity, the better my view of myself. But every time I screw up, that sign totally resets. "Look, I screwed up today. I am a terrible person." Then the next day, even if it's a good day, the number is still only 1. "Yeah, today was a good day, but I am sill making up for screwing up yesterday." Two good weeks later, I might start to get comfortable again. But as soon as another mistake happens, it all crashes down again.
Performance is running away from the sign, trying to distance myself from the terrible person I know I am, and only being able to get so far at a time. Th length of that leash, the maximum amount of time between sign resets, is the measure of how good I am, and it's never good enough.
Now, we rarely view other people that way. We average things out for me - and as long as we like them (aka they haven't crossed one of the famous NF "unforgivably awful person" lines) we give the a huge, average-raising outlier point of "Not me!" They are obviously better than us by nature of not being us. So their mistakes have less impact on their overall valuation.
Does anyone else feel this way? Does this seem accurate?
Some good friends passed through the city last Friday with their adorable son, who despite not feeling well was winningly charming. I may steal him away someday soon.
I had a scare today when I forgot where my wedding dress was and thought it was lost in the move. I didn't know if I was emotionally attached to it previously, but today taught me that I am.
I am kind of drifting. I need to focus on my studies and I am not.I can only resolve that tomorrow will be better. I am hoping that when my thyroid mess get adjusted again, I'll have more energy and be less cold all the time. I do manage to get some errands done each day, but I need to start making to-do lists and following them.
Sunday, an elderly lady at church invited us over for lunch along with seven of our peers. This is apparently something she just does, have a house ready to welcome groups of visitors. That is something I aspire to. It's a little of what I envisioned for how we'd be there for the OSG this year. We'll see how that shakes out!
There are no Jason's Delis in Pennsylvania.
Going to have to make our own Spud Au Broc now...
Game night at Bell's last night gave us our first ever 6 player game of Eclipse, a game easiest defined as all the things tahmthelame would hate most - IN SPACE! Empire building, tech researching and flying big fleets of ships at other people's big fleets of ships and rolling dice until most of them are asploded. I'd be interested in seeing if we could make that a regular thing, though we're also open to trying the variety of games that the crowd there seems to be interested in. The people there were a nice range of ages and backgrounds, with several women (though none joined our Eclipse table.) I hope we continue to make connections and grow relationships there.
Tomorrow is Internet at home day! We are currently at the college now that Brian has access to the buildings and the network there.
Tomorrow is also "get rid of cardboard boxes day!" as someone from Craigslist is stopping by to take them off our hands.
When we packed to move, we threw our laundry detergent into a garbage bag, to keep it from leaking on anything, but foolishly put other things in the by with it. Least disastrously, our shower curtains, but most disastrously, our TV and DVD player remotes. :(. Predictably, the laundry detergent bottle split open so now we are without any way of controlling the television or DVD player. When did they stop putting buttons that function on the machines themselves? Was this true of VCRs and their remotes too?
Brian has agreed with me that the apartment needs more decoration, which is a nice thing to agree on, though I think we still lean different ways on what kind of decoration we should have. He understandably leans away from the overtly feminine, which requires a mental gear shift from me. I grew up in family where Dad didn't care what the house was decorated with, while my Mom and my sister both got heavily into decorating and design. (My sister even went into it as a career and designs commercial medical offices.) Color and theme are very important to me, possibly and irrationally more than utility of the space.
I think my thyroid medicine dose is too high right now, but I've been delaying setting up a bloodwork appointment... I have been tired and cold for the last few weeks, and gained about 20 lbs since starting the medicine in... March? I am possibly blasting too much of my thyroid hormone away. I am waiting to set up and endocrinologist appointment until I am on B's insurance.
I've been rewatching the early seasons of How I Met Your Mother at we have on DVD, and have returned to my original assessment that the show lost a lot of its heart after season 2. My personal discontinuity begins right before Britney Spears begins her cameo, though it includes the later Intervention episodes. Season 7 was definitely the low point of the series, with none of the characters ending up in a different place from the start of the season. I am looking forward to season 8 appearing on Netflix.
Meanwhile, B and I have been watching The X-Files from the beginning, something neither of us has ever done, and reading the awesome webcomic Monster of the Week alongside it. It is pretty beautiful how much the Mulder-Scully relationship clicks from the first episode. Krycek has just made his first appearance, which I have somehow remained completely unspoiled for so I was all "Noooooooo. No way!" (I was partly confusing him with Doggett? I suppose?)
Shopping in Grove City is hard. Aldi's has good prices and food but poor selection. County Market is expensive with occasional good sales and great selection. Save-A-Lot seems cheap but their frozen vegetables weren't, so I'm assuming their quality is on the low end, and they have limited selection as well, though better than Aldi's. Wal-mart has very limit groceries. We have avoided the outlet mall so far, though I guess I should start paying attention to what happens there.
It hasn't really hit yet that this is home, now. It still feels like summer camp.
Without a constant Internet - and why does "internet" autocorrect to have a capital I? - connection, twitter is a lot less attractive to me as a way to communicate online, so I may be on LJ quite a bit more for a week.
We are getting Armstrong cable internet next Thursday, which has a bandwidth cap, something I've never dealt with before. We will see what happens!
Our new apartment is really nice. Our old apartment has made us appreciate the amenities here even more: "We have a dishwasher! We have an *outgoing mailbox!* We have overhead lighting! We didn't hear rap music anytime between ten PM and five AM last night! Our neighbors actually say hello in the hall!" It's pretty cool. We also have a ton more room for stuff here than we did at the old place, simple stuff like bathroom cabinets that hold everything, and a walk-in closet in the main bedroom. I am so happy. It still feels a little unreal, like we'll have to give it back in a few days.
We got ice cream from McDonald's again in exchange for using their wireless, but I also just saw an enormous cockroach scuttle across the floor, so... Then again, our kitchen had roaches forever so...
We also found, either dead in our apartment or dead having fallen out of one of our boxes, something that we've dubbed a Death Pincher. It may possible have been an earwig with a massively oversized set of pincers, but it looked pretty alien and deadly. I hope we see no more. If we do, you guys are getting a picture.
Myers-Briggs continues to help us talk about our personality differences. I am comfortable with a plan, while my husband is comfortable being spontaneous, and I am cool with being spontaneous as long as we work out in advance how long we are planning on being spontaneous and what we spontaneously want to get accomplished, etc.
Next week is a beach trip with the Dellingers, which will be fun. I love getting to spend time with my nephew, who just hit 18 months and is on the verge of talking. He is also good at teaching me that though I still love and want kids, I am not quite ready for one yet. I just want to spend time with other people's.
Our project tonight is to hang curtains in our bedroom. Tomorrow we are going to Pittsburgh IKEA, unless other things take precedence unexpectedly.
I am and have always been a project starter, with dozens of novels, short stories, screenplays, computer games of various sorts, comics and even animations in various stages of development hanging around, but I very rarely finish anything. My goal is to finish a project before I find and start a job.
I do have a website running with a nominally weekly journal club (review and critique of a recent medical study) and progress notes for a pharmacy-based computer game. () The scope of the game is pretty huge, so I'd like to try finishing something shorter first.
My goal is to write and sell a short story by the end of July.
In unrelated news, found, after cleaning out my closet, a desiccated cockroach corpse about as large as some hamsters I've owned, so add that to the list of reasons I'm glad we are moving on Thursday.